I Might Disappear...

Hello, errbody...sup?...So, yeah...ive had a rough weekend...and ill tell all y'all about it later...and you guys can all feel sorry for me...or, at least, tell me how i should feel...anyways, lets make this post short...really, really short...eenie, weenie, short post man...

the pics on this blog entry were taken at the football scrimmage last friday...its crazy but the football teams are already practicing for next year...and the warriors are lookin good...i dont think they beat the fagaitua vikings, but they still had some nice plays...i took some vids of the game and ill post it on youtube eventually...the image above is of one of my students...her name is reese...and, boy, is she a handful...she doesnt have bad behavior or anything...she just has lots of energy and she is a major chatterbox...oh, and she's flippin late to my class everyday...i know she has problems with her other teachers...but i think, since ive dealt with and experienced my sister dana my whole life, i have a good, patient understanding of students like her...and a sense of humor...oi, and look at that hair!...so flowing!...so much!...so cousin it!...samoan girls love their hair...long, rapunzel-esque hair...

that picture directly on top of this writing is gene...the only reason why i bring him up is because i wanted to discuss an issue sorta dealing with him...his father died when he was in 7th grade...when i heard about this i, of course, became a bleeding heart...i immediately felt bad for him...and, i guess, began treating him differently...almost like a lil bro, i suppose...essentially, i never make him feel like his presense is a nuisance...i know i say this all the time but its hard to explain...i recognize that he really looks up to me...he's always saying "hi" and asking me questions and talking to me...he comes to my room before and after school everyday...and he's even been coming to the house for help on homework or to play ping pong or just to talk almost every night...with other students i might be like, "okay, you need to go home...i have stuff to do"...but with gene, a good kid who lost his father, i cant do that...call me sentimental...or sappy...or naive...but its just the way i am...im sure i even fret over him too much...he probably gets so annoyed with my constant naggin..."gene, did you study for the chemistry test?"..."gene, did you do your history project?"..."gene, did you pay for the S.A.T. registration?"...nevertheless, theres two main points id like to discuss here...and they are:

1. it seems like, here in american samoa, that death is a very common thing...maybe ive talked about this before...stop me if i have...many, many of my students have lost their parents or grandparents or other family members...many of my students have experienced the death of a loved one several times...there could be a few reasons for this...i know samoan families are very big...lots of sisters and brothers and aunties and uncles and cousins...so maybe thats why they know so many people that have died...also, the health here on island is pretty poor...i mean, everyone knows that most samoans are over weight...its okay to be a little chunky here...especially for the girls...theyre just bulkier...a lot of that is also the influence of processed food on the island...you see, in the states, we know about this issue and we've dealt with it...with exercise and dieting...but the people on the island have never had to deal with dieting and exercise...and im not sure if they want to deal with dieting and exercise...either way, they once only eat fresh island food (coconut, taro, pig, etc.), and now theyre eating bags of chips and soda and mcdonalds...and their bodies dont know how to react to it...cept for dying on them...another reason why their death rate may be higher is because of their lack of beneficial health care...oh, and they also seem to have children at an older age here...most of my students' parents are about 50 years old...i have some that are 60 or older...(viva, gayle!)...as i was saying, samoans seem to die earlier and at higher rates...especially compared to people in the states...ive had about three students who have had fathers die this year...and many more students who have lost family members...doesnt that seem outrageous?...i didnt truly experience the death of a family member till i was pretty old...probably a teenager...and that was just my great grandparents...and because of this death that surrounds the island, i think the people manage the emotions of it better...or maybe they just get used to the dying...ive been wondering if im babying gene...i feel so sorry for him to have lost his father at such a young age...hell, if i lost a parent while i was in middle school i wouldve been devastated...an emotional and mental wreck for the next five years or so...but gene seems all right...in fact, he's an amazing kid...kind and passionate and hopeful...and the three students who lost their fathers this year also seem to be doing fine...i realize that the human spirit is strong...and resilient...particularly when children are involved...but i still believe that samoans have encountered death so much that they almost seem desensitized to it...americans, on the other hand, are a little oblivious to death, ya know?...i mean, we're just kinda unaware or ignorant to death...we havent experienced it nearly as much as samoans...so, when it happens to us, we are shocked and distressed by it...we almost lose control...needless to say, should i stop worrying about gene?...should i trust that he has it all under control?...should i feel sad for him?...or what?...

2. the other thing i wanted to talk about regarding this gene kid is this...you see, ive asked him a couple of times about his feelings on losing his dad...dont get me wrong, its not like im pretending to be a psychiatrist...but ive simply asked him "how did your dad die?"..."was it hard?"..."do you miss him?"...i suppose the reason why i sometimes wanna talk about it with him is because i kinda feel like the parent and child relationship in american samoa is different...in a way, i believe its less communicative...less intimate...and less sensitive...i dont think parents talk to their kids here...i mean, i dont believe they really talk about their emotions or experiences...i know its like that in many parts of the world...theres no friendship between a parent and a child...theres no discussion of feelings...indeed, theres very little talk of emotions at all...maybe its an annoying american thing to talk about our feelings...and get all chummy and lovey dovey...theres been tons of students who tell me "palagis are overly sensitive...all they talk about are their feelings"...im not gonna debate the validity of having an emotionally sensitive culture...but i do wanna debate whether or not i should be talking to gene about his feelings concerning his father's death...i only do it because i dont think his mom does...maybe he's never really expressed his emotions on the experience...im sure he's talked about how he misses his dad and how his dad is now in heaven...im sure gene has talked about his dad being with the lord a bunch of times...but has he ever had that outlet to talk about how the death affected him?...how it made him feel?...since many samoans dont have that intimate relationship with their parents, with whom do they express these emotions?...or do they simply not feel the same emotions that we do?...i mean, i know theyre human and im sure they feel complete and utter heartbreak when they lose a loved one...but are they more used to it?...and since they dont express their emotions, do they feel them less?...even so, should i stop being so sensitive to gene?...should i start telling him im too busy?...should i stop asking him questions about his pop?...

by the way, if theres any samoans or people who know a lot about the island, give me some feedback on this issue...is death more prevelant on island?...is the parent and child relationship different than in the states?...is it less sensitive or intimate?...let me know whatcha think...

the final thing i wanted to quickly confer about is why i had a rough weekend...y'all most likely will be thinkin, "man, get ova it...stop cryin us a river!"...but this is the drama...for some odd reason, ive been, once again, deliberating my second year in american samoa...ive pretty much been confident in my decision to stay next year...and most of you guys have said i should try to stay, too...fufill my contract and promise...and devote myself to the island for another year...however, this weekend was a tough one...i became hesitant again...i began to lose confidence in my decision...i think this happened because ive heard that william is probably not gonna stay next year...he feels like the island is a dead end...theres nothing else to experience...so he wants to go somewhere else...now, we all know lisa isnt staying...consequently, ill be alone next year...i guess im not really worried about that though...because i know i dont want to go home yet...and if i went anywhere else in the world id be alone there, as well...so its not like im staying here for them...or, really, for anybody...cept for myself...but i kept feeling over the weekend that if i stayed id regret it...i mean, everyone else is leaving this god forsaken island...maybe i should too?...maybe im being stupid?...maybe they have the right idea?...maybe ill regret it after i stay a whole second year of my life?...the most significant thing im scared about is being alone and bored...i absolutely love the job...even after working today i felt a rejuvenated joy for the job and my students...(and i needed that after such a distraught weekend!)...and i dont mind the culture...yeah, its annoying as heck sometimes...but, for the most part, im cool with it...i know, though, that ill be bored...theres nothing to do on this island...sure, theres beaches and mountains to hike...but theres no bars or clubs or malls or restaurants or movie theaters or mini-golf...theres practically nothing here...and just like this past weekend, the weekends are so mind-numbingly monotonous and quiet and bland that i just wanna cry...(which i almost did saturday night...lawd, i never cry!)...i also might get lonely next year...yes, i might meet some new people...preferably americans...but still...my two closest acquaintences are leaving...will i be spending nights alone and bored?...i kinda feel like i might disappear...i know that sounds insane...but its true...without having anything to do or people to see and interact with, will i disappear into my house?...will my life vanish?...will i forget who i am?...will my experiences wane or ebb?...will a year of my life evaporate?...will my happiness fade away?...

anywho, im feeling a little better today...i kinda feel like i can stay...and devote myself to the island...but what do y'all think?...should i stay?...im chiefly asking non-family and friends...not that i dont care what you have to say...but ive pretty much heard all y'all's opinions...but what about those strangers out there...or any samoans...will i regret staying?...

oh, and i also know that this decision is for me to decide...although your advice is greatly needed and desired, this is a decision about what i want outta MY life...how i want to live MY life...but i hate making decisions...i like it when others make 'em for me ;-)

alright, ya'll...i left ya some talking points...leave me a message on whatcha think...do you agree that most americans are inexperienced with death?...do you think the parent and child relationship in america is a strong one?...an intimate one?...or do we talk about our feelings WAY too much?...and should i keep babying gene?...and how about this past weekend?...was i just briefly depressed?...was i just bored and thinking too much?...or do i have a legitimate concern?...will i regret staying in the 7/11 of the south pacific?...

thanks for reading...and i love ya and miss y'all...

-JOE

"A pleasant companion reduces the length of the journey."

-Publilius Syrus