My Family Confession...

Good Evening...How is the world treatin' y'all?...Hmm, I'm good...Bored...Busy...And Burnin' up!...The Three B's!...Bored because it's the same ol' thing EVERY SINGLE DAG-NABBIT DAY here on the island...Busy because I have lesson planning, acitivity attending, church going, supper cooking, house cleaning, job hunting (I haven't even started lookin' for a job when I come back home!), and Wisconsin packing (I don't wanna be overwhelmed the final week I'm here)...And I'm burnin' because I swear the sun was itchin' to kill me on my walk home today...The heat was the most horrid thing I've experienced...The three fricken' B's...Anyways, this blog entry should be pretty short...I know I haven't written in a week, but I have other things to do...Like make some Loco Moco for da fuams...

The pictures on tonight's blog entry were taken at a Cricket game...It's a popular activity on the island...An activity that, before I came here, had never really encountered...I mean, cheese heads don't play cricket...Heck, Americans don't play cricket...It's more of a English game that was brought to India and has now spread all over the South Pacific...Every Saturday on my way to the Post Office I pass by this park where big village cricket competitions are being held...It's very cool...The audience is clapping, drums are beating, teams are singing, and whistles are blowing melodically...It's like a festival of music crossed with an Olympic event...I wanted to capture some photos at a men's game because those are ten times more popular...But I think the women have started, so this'll do...I also wanted to take some video but I felt kinda nerdy...A weird palagi recording this normal Samoan activity...

Today I'll be writing about that poem I wrote last week and about my weight gain...I'm hoping to keep this short and sweet...Like always...

Okay, so I got a few guesses from y'all on what exactly my poem "Ghosts for Dinner" was about...And most of you understood the emotions I was trying to convey...Most of you believed I was presenting my feelings about missing the boys when I leave this island...That is definetly true, but there's more to it...There's a more deeply personal, frightening fear underlying the poem...Essentially, I'm terrified of coming home and not being able to form that family I've always dreamt about...Yes, the boys are the "ghosts"...They symbolize the family I once had...When I leave this island and come back to Wisconsin, the boys, who are now my own real family, will not exist anymore...Hence, becoming "phantoms"...I will be alone with no family...There will be no more "flesh, hands, smiles, eyes"...No more "laughter, tears, conversation"...There will only be "silence, loneliness, sadness"...Sure, it's a little dramatic...But I truly have nightmares of coming home and not, for a number of reasons, creating a family...And being family-less for the rest of my life...Examining the poem in more detail you can discover some of the reasons why forming my own family in Wisconsin will be difficult...I wrote that "ghosts will cope, for now life is not allowed at the table"...Although I don't want to make this into a political poem, it is literally illegal for me, a gay man, to produce a traditional family in the states...I mean, me or my partner (I can't call him husband because two men getting married is a sin AND crime in the states) can adopt a child individually...But not jointly...It seems awfully singular to me...And a family shouldn't be singular...Even adopting or finding a woman willing to carry our child is almost impossible...Not only is it expensive, but it also may take years and years to create a sinful, illegal family...Besides, most gay men do not want kids...This sounds like a stereo-type but I truly do not believe it is...Not only is it hard for gay men to remain faithful and monogamous, it's also just not something they want...Gay men adore living the selfish life of designer clothes and hip home decor and fake baking and working out and traveling and eating organic food...Face it, gay men could have the most enjoyable, adventerous lives full of self-pleasure...Why would any gay man want to suffer through taking care of children?...Are the gay men who want an expensive, time-consuming, annoying lil' family insane?...The other reason why I'm worried that I'll never be able to form a family back home is that I won't find the love of my life...Finding "the one" is almost impossible...For gay men, it's like hell freezing over...Oh, and then add onto that the fact that I'm straight acting and no one ever assumes I'm gay, and the outcome is obvious...I will be alone until the day I die...That's why I wrote in the poem "dread is served"...What makes it even more torturous is that now I've experienced what it's like to have my very own family...And I'm leaving it...For the unknown..."I weep with the rice, for once it was a nightmare, and now there will always be ghosts for dinner"...

So, like any poem, you can probably read into it in many different ways...Simply, I am terrified of coming home and not finding or creating my own family...A family similar to the one I've created here in American Samoa...You could say the past two years or so was an escape from this fear...I've always had this nightmare of being family-less, and coming to this island was my defense...I ran away from my fear...And I thought I would be safe here on this tiny rock in the middle of the South Pacific...Little did I know that I would actually create my own family here...And now I must leave...And the nightmares are coming back...Because if I can't make a family back home, where the hell can I?...Besides in American Samoa...

Lemme guess...I know exactly what y'all are thinking..."Joe, you don't need to worry...You'll find someone!...You'll make a family!...Plus, you'll be with our family!...Besides, you're young...You have plenty of time!"...All of what you guys are thinking is true...And I thank you all for your positive, supportive advice...Nonetheless, I still have these emotions, and no matter what I am told, I will still feel them...Everyone around me has a family of their own...Or they're at least beginning to create them...(Sue, come on girl...You're next!)...Now it is my turn...I want my own family...Sisters and nieces and nephews are wonderful...But a family of my own, a family I can serve and eat dinner with, is what I truly desire...That is my "kitchen of warm dreams"...My own real life family...Forget these ghosts!...

...(Okay...I'm done with the pitty party...Slap me outta this Debbie Downer crappola...No, seriously...Somebody slap me...I hate cry babies!)...

Alright, the last two months or so have been really, really fattening...In other words, I've gained a ton of weight...I'm almost to the heaviest I have ever been...I've never topped 210 pounds...I'm up to 207 right this minute...Last year I was 180...At the start of this year I was 195...What's happened?...Why have I gained so much pounds of lard?...Here are some reasons...

1. I am bored...And maybe even a little depressed...I mean, "depressed" probably isn't the word for it...But I am hella thrilled to be coming home soon...I cannot wait to be with family and friends...I just think I've kinda mentally checked out of this island...So, every day I get that nasty devil on my shoulder tellin' me "Hey, you deserve that yummy, fattening, greasy food!"..."Hey, you deserve that extra helping of rice and meat!"..."Hey, you're living a miserable life in Samoa, you deserve a little happiness; eat more!"...I really just believe I've gained weight because I'm sick and tired of the island, and I eat to make it more exciting...More happy...The food is filling that void I have...A void made by being homesick...The boredome and tediousness of the island and my sadness for missing home is causin' me to eat like a pig...All the time thinkin' "the food will make me happier...I deserve it!"...

2. Another reason why I'm obese is because I hate the food on this island...Not only is there no healthy, organic foods like non-spoiled fruits and vegetables, but there is also no variety...It's the same ol', same ol' everyday...I cannot wait to come home and eat some unique, diverse dishes...I am dying to make some wonderfully different recipes with foods from specialty markets and eat at some delightfully fantastic diners and cafes...The food here is prepackaged, processed food...And it's usually bought in grungy, dirty lil' shops...Or served in nasty, roach-infested restaurants...Sure, we have McDonalds...But if I have to eat McDonalds one more time I'll probably rip my tongue outta me head and flop it on Ronald's fricken face...Sole, I wanna go home and eat some REAL food!...For reals, yo!...

3. The last reason I've gained so much weight?...Well, how can I put this?...Hmm...You see, I think I've just kinda given up here...I've thrown in the towel...And, now, I just don't really care about my weight...I keep sayin' to myself "when I get home I'll start my diet...I'll begin exercising and going to the gym...When I get home I'll eat healthy...And I'll totally lose weight!"...I sorta feel like just enjoying my last two months here...I don't wanna worry and stress about my weight...I just wanna have fun and enjoy every minute of my final days here...I don't wanna regret or take for granted any of my last moments here on the island...I will never experience this place again...And I will never have this kind of life again...So, having anxiety over eating healthy and being skinny is not on my list of worries...I do love my life here...And I don't wanna ruin it by stressin' over my weight...Don't be surprised if I come home fat...American Samoa has that effect on people...Especially on people who are very emotional about leaving it...

In honor of Kourt's comment about "Madge never leaving" I have decided to have a list dedicated to Madonna...Yes, it's like hella gay...But who doesn't adore Madonna?...

My Five Favorite Madonna Tunes:

5. Music = "...makes the people come together!"...This dance track gets me every time...So what if she repeats the lyrics over and over again...It's the tight beat that matters...

4. Ray of Light = A powerful jam that inspires and energizes the soul...

3. Crazy for You = A totally radical eighties ballad that's also gorgeously romantic...And cheesy...

2. Like a Prayer = A fun gospel pop song that brings back a chorus of memories...Sue, Trish, and I rockin' out in my 1989 Buick Park Avenue...Oh, and who can forget that black angel/priest in the video!?...

1. Take a Bow = I absolutely cherish this song...A lovely, soothing tune about the pain of heartbreak...The lyrics and Madonna's voice melt together to make a beautiful love song...

Uma...What do y'all think?...How do you feel about my fears of making a family back in Wisconsin?...Is that what you thought the poem was about?...Are my thoughts on being family-less valid?...Do my reasons for being scared make sense?...Why do you think I've become fat?...And do you think those are just excuses?...I mean, maybe I'm just lazy and that's why I've packed on the pounds?...And do you think I'll lose it when I come home?...Oh, and what's your favorite Madonna song?...Did I miss any obvious classics?...And did you think I was a total Debbie Downer in today's blog entry?...Did you just wanna slap me?...

Love ya and miss ya...

-JOE

"Goodbye to the island,

Hello to the rain.

It's gone like a dream in the night,

And it won't be back again."

from Bonnie Tyler's "Goodbye to the Island